Creative Abandon

I have been thinking about a lot of things lately... a lot of it is the work I have been doing in my mind to shift back to fine art from my commercial art. I found out that there is a printmaking studio a block away from my house, and I am excited and nervous to start printing again.

Also, Betz wrote a really great post about choosing a word for the year, and so I am choosing mine. Abandon.

It might seem odd. It might seem really odd. But I have realized that there are quite a few things that I have held onto from my past that continue to hold me back. Most of which of which involve fear. The fear of not doing enough. The fear of failure. The fear of not being good enough. The fear of being forgotten. The fear of staying... and so on. But I realize that these are self imposed. And I as continue on in my life, that these things have become walls. Shackles to a false structure.

It's really been this way since I was a little kid. All my siblings would play, and I could not allow myself to. I was never good at playing, and I find that there is very little play OR abandon in my work. I could NEVER color outside of the lines, and I have come to find that it is holding me back. I can act from a script but I am terrible at improv, knowing full well the rules.

I want to live with more abandon. I want to let go. That doesn't mean anything like losing my religion. It means to shake off these things that I weigh myself down with. I won't allow these things to make me up.

And if I do? What will I have? What kind of freedom will that give me?

My hopes are that it will loosen up my work. My work seems to follow these invisible lines that I subconsciously put on the page/ the screen/ the plate/ the fabric. Are these permanent lines? Are they inherent? I feel like everything I do has a buttoned collar, and I think if all of my weirdness were coupled with a little more abandon that I could really be on to something.

so am I just a structured person, or do I take myself too seriously? I don't know if one has anything to do with the other, but I have a sneaking suspicion that they do. 

Nate Williams's work was like a wake up call to me this morning. It helped me realize that this is an actual thing in my life. Helen Dardik is another great example. There is a lot curiousity and discorvery. Maybe this feeling in their work has something to do, also, with my love for Paul Klee and a lot of Picasso. They all contain a certain sense of abandonment that I am seeking in my little life. AND KNOW! that I am not by any means saying that there work is without structure or an incredible amount of skill, it's just a very different grid than the one I operate from, and I want to know if I can cross over.

Can I acheive creative abandon in 2011? Or is this structure an actual permanent part of me?

So each week for the rest of the year, I am going to try and do a project, or a piece with as much abandon as this square can manage.

here's a funny video involving a different kind of abandon...

How is your abandon? Are you an in the lines or outside the lines kind of person? Is it permanent? or is it something you can move in and out of?