I know that we are supposed to be self sufficient. That we should be able to find peace and happiness just from existence. I'm always trying to do that. I think I try too hard. I think I think that if I do it all my self, if I can figure it out by myself, my life, my reason, my whatever, that I will some how be stronger for it.
One of my main goals this year was to not be an emotional robot. I have been one for years, because I felt like that way I would be less hurt by people, by hard times, by failings... but in doing so, I have separated myself from people who would love, and care about me, and in that I hurt myself...
So, I've been working hard to be better. To except people into my life as good, and dear, and broken, and helpful, and beautiful, and funny, and whatever... and this past week at Squam made me feel like it's all possible. I can be open to all the emotion this little world has to offer, and that's ok. There are enough people who love me in this world that I don't have to be afraid of anything.
I've been putting off this post because I didn't know how to say what I felt, or what it possibly meant to me. I have been changed, seriously changed. Not that I needed a major overhaul, but we should all always be working towards our personal betterment, and I feel like I am a little closer, and a little more grown up for it. I am so touched to have met, and been inspired by so many beautiful people.
So here are some little letters. My best way to express all this right now:
What a blessing it was to share that time and space with you. How grateful I am that it was each of you. I feel like you all took me in, and I am in your debt. I hope that somehow we can be together again soon.
photo by dreamer Laura Nelkin
To my students,
I can't say enough how impressed I am with each of you. The work that each of you produced in the short time that we had together was mind blowing for me, and I always felt like a proud little mama, when a whole section of the gallery table in the dining room was ours, because you were proud too. Please keep producing. Please take risks. Please keep going, and please keep in touch. Always know that any service I can be of to you, I'm yours. Thank you for letting me cry through class. I was moved by your honesty and commitment to whatever it was that you were tasked with. You're just brilliant, and I can't wait to be with you again next year.
Thank you for believing in me. Thank you for picking me out of a crowd, and trusting me with something that is so special to you. Your faith, and love, and commitment to harboring all of the inspiring events that make up Squam have, and will change peoples lives for the better. Thank you for letting me be a part of it.
photo by new favorite Maya*Made
To all of you,
If you need to feel a little more whole, need a break, want to be a part of something magical, then make the time, and the effort to do this for yourself. Squam happens twice a year. No prior experience is neseccary, just come as you are and leave as you want to be.